A few days ago, my mother approached me out of the blue and asked if I was alright.
It wouldn’t have mattered what I said… she already knew the answer.

Not being able to lie my way out of this one, I let her take me to my room where we could speak candidly. This would not be the first release session for my mother and I. It surely would not be the last. As soon as my door closed she asked what I needed. The tears were already beginning to spill past my cheeks. I never like leaning on my family. There are nine of us altogether, and ‘making do without’ was something I became very good at. It allowed for my younger sister to be able to go to college. My brother to get a new house. My older to sister to work her way out of debt.

But since the fire, since I lost nearly everything, I’ve been needing. I’ve been able to cover it up for the last month by redirecting that energy into helping the family rebuild. Moving things from the old house to the new, working with the cleaning company and the insurance company, fighting off the vultures circling hoping to tear of a bit of our tragedy for themselves. Unfortunately, I did not have the foresight to see that this would all subside. And now that the entire family is back on track, I am left to simmer in my mental state. It was only a matter of time until all my good feeling and adrenaline boiled off and I was left in an empty kettle of loss and need.

And my mother could see that. I felt so ashamed by what I was about to ask her. I told her to sit at my desk and I hastily began to make the bed so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eye.

I told her how I felt about losing all my music. All my computer and recording gear. All my instruments. All my software. Every digital piece of me had gone to the cleansing of the fire. And I was starting to feel it. I’m a musician. Not by trade… not yet anyway. But over the years I had collected enough professional recording gear to be able to bring myself closer to my dreams as a musician. And I had nearly crossed the threshold of becoming and being when the fire stepped into my path and burned away all traces of my destination. I told her I felt I was being selfish. That I felt I had lost the most. She nodded. Everyone else still had their jobs to go to. Their hobbies. The fun activities that they did with themselves and others. But I had lost all that.

I told her the longer I went without making music, the more that longing to create died inside me.

She nodded and closed her eyes. I could sense she was trying to quell the pain from her hip surgery before she spoke. She wanted to be very clear.

“Erik,” she started. “You have done more for this family than any of your brothers or sisters in recent months, or even years. Since the fire, you have picked up wherever your father left off. On top of that, you have done everything I could not.”

She closed her eyes from what I can only think was the pain from her side. I continued to straighten the sheets avoiding eye contact.

“We all lost a lot in the fire. Perhaps you more than others. You have done so much. You need to let us do for you now. You’ve been taking care of his family. And because of that, everyone has settled into our new home very gracefully. Now it is your turn to settle. Your father just spoke with the insurance company. I want you to create a shopping list of whatever you need to rebuild. When you are ready, we will buy it.”

I started to protest, but she interrupted me. I wasn’t going to win this one. So when I returned from Portland, I began creating the shopping lists. Luckily, everything I wanted could be purchased from one of three online stores.

As I finish the wish lists today, I have begun feeling that this is gong to be the great turning point. My father once told me that all great artists have produced their greatest work after life altering events. Traveling the world. Great disaster. Love. For the last year I have ben slowly hitting every mark.

The battle through addiction
London - Paris
The terrible storm that knocked down the trees and threatened my home
The scandals at work
The fire that was able to finish off what the storm had started
Finding Katie

Come Sunday, when I leave my job… there will be nothing to stand in my way of greatness. I will be re:Born.

–It’s hard to explain bad luck. It’s like an ear for music. Either you have it or you don’t.–

This was the first major replacement purchase for my family since the fire.
But my parents thought that it should be the first.
I’m happy.

Also, we move into our temporary house today. And out of the hotel. I need to call my boss and let him know.

But….

I got my picture taken with Wil Wheaton (and he threw up the horns)

We move into our temporary house this Wednesday

The insurance company called to wake me up… to let me know that my laptop is indeed covered and that I should go out and buy a brand new one. He will be sending much more money to my father today.

Is this where I start looking up?

I thought I heard on the TV this morning that Hilary Clinton dropped out of the race.

I’m going to be spending the next five days at the old house. The rest of my family has to work. I’m glad I got the time off from work.

I need to catalog everything that is not salvageable for the insurance company. And then throw everything away. So after I finish the ground floor, I need to contact Waste Management and get a dumpster dropped off. While I’m working on the second floor, someone else can work on throwing things on the ground floor away.

But I want to try and get it done in the next 5 days. 5 very long days.

the part that makes it really bad is you lost some replaceable technology? wake the hell up- you lost some CATS, didn’t you? THAT is what is tragic. you seriously make me so disgusted.
—

I just lost my entire life. I have no house. Do you? I have the clothes on my back. I have a laptop with a cracked screen that I can barely read. I lost 7 years of digital photos and 21 years of hard copy photos. I have no video games. no dishes. no silverware. no food. no bedding.

But I am also a musician. I have no recording gear. I have one guitar. No protools setup anymore. No keyboards. No mixers. Sure. These are all replaceable. but it took me 10 years to aquire all of it. And thousands of dollars. My big screen television is gone. My dvds and player. And I am most destroyed over my cat. I lost my cat. I cried all day yesterday for this cat. A cat I have had since his birth in 95. I also rescued 6 of my mothers cats.

Can you live without your computer? Can you live without internet access? Can you live without a mailbox? The Post Office is holding all my mail until I can go in and give them a real address. My house has to come down. I could be living in hotels for the next six months. I have NOTHING you coward. Why don’t you come out of your fucking annonymous hiding place and tell me who you are? Let everyone who actually feels a little sympathy know how much of an inconsiderate jackass you are.

Or better yet…. why don’t you just move out of your house with only a backpack. And never look back. and you can’t have ANYTHING from your house. Try that.

I lost a cat. That is absolutely irreplaceable. And I would rather that no one even try and replace him. But if you want to help me replace my other things, well… you know how to do that.

Then I woke up.

And my four articles of clothing managed to fill the hotel room with their crushing scent. I still wreak of smoke and charred wood. Maybe I will try and buy some clothes today. The hotel is right behind a K-mart.

I’ve already started crying. I think there might be a lot of that today.

Want to help my family rebuild our digital lives? We lost three windows PCs and one Macintosh computer in our tragedy. Click the following link to be taken to a post where you help my family reconnect with technology.