19 Days

In less than three weeks I move into my new apartment.

It’s a studio. It’s small. It’s not too expensive. And it’s downtown. Walking to work will keep me in shape. But then again, so will the YMCA that is two blocks away from work.

After living a life that wasn’t really mine for so long, I finally feel like I’m back on track. After almost a decade of self destruction and a year of recovery… I’m starting over.

It feels really weird to be 30 and have almost nothing to show for it. At times I feel like an absolute failure. At others, I look around at the faceless people who hate and fall and surround me and realize that I am still and more alive than ever before.

It’s rough. I feel alone a lot. I have my core. My triforce of power. And they each support me in their own way. With love, adoration, creative release…

I feel low. I’m at least a third of the way through my life… and it feels like I’m just getting started. I’ve never done this before. Only the one life. And I have nothing to compare it to. So I have no idea if I’m better off or worse than anyone else. And I won’t ever know.

But restarting at 30… it’s scary. How much of my life did I really lose? How much can I get back?