Resurrection

Today I finalize the rebuilding of my new technology.

A few days ago, my mother approached me out of the blue and asked if I was alright.
It wouldn’t have mattered what I said… she already knew the answer.

Not being able to lie my way out of this one, I let her take me to my room where we could speak candidly. This would not be the first release session for my mother and I. It surely would not be the last. As soon as my door closed she asked what I needed. The tears were already beginning to spill past my cheeks. I never like leaning on my family. There are nine of us altogether, and ‘making do without’ was something I became very good at. It allowed for my younger sister to be able to go to college. My brother to get a new house. My older to sister to work her way out of debt.

But since the fire, since I lost nearly everything, I’ve been needing. I’ve been able to cover it up for the last month by redirecting that energy into helping the family rebuild. Moving things from the old house to the new, working with the cleaning company and the insurance company, fighting off the vultures circling hoping to tear of a bit of our tragedy for themselves. Unfortunately, I did not have the foresight to see that this would all subside. And now that the entire family is back on track, I am left to simmer in my mental state. It was only a matter of time until all my good feeling and adrenaline boiled off and I was left in an empty kettle of loss and need.

And my mother could see that. I felt so ashamed by what I was about to ask her. I told her to sit at my desk and I hastily began to make the bed so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eye.

I told her how I felt about losing all my music. All my computer and recording gear. All my instruments. All my software. Every digital piece of me had gone to the cleansing of the fire. And I was starting to feel it. I’m a musician. Not by trade… not yet anyway. But over the years I had collected enough professional recording gear to be able to bring myself closer to my dreams as a musician. And I had nearly crossed the threshold of becoming and being when the fire stepped into my path and burned away all traces of my destination. I told her I felt I was being selfish. That I felt I had lost the most. She nodded. Everyone else still had their jobs to go to. Their hobbies. The fun activities that they did with themselves and others. But I had lost all that.

I told her the longer I went without making music, the more that longing to create died inside me.

She nodded and closed her eyes. I could sense she was trying to quell the pain from her hip surgery before she spoke. She wanted to be very clear.

“Erik,” she started. “You have done more for this family than any of your brothers or sisters in recent months, or even years. Since the fire, you have picked up wherever your father left off. On top of that, you have done everything I could not.”

She closed her eyes from what I can only think was the pain from her side. I continued to straighten the sheets avoiding eye contact.

“We all lost a lot in the fire. Perhaps you more than others. You have done so much. You need to let us do for you now. You’ve been taking care of his family. And because of that, everyone has settled into our new home very gracefully. Now it is your turn to settle. Your father just spoke with the insurance company. I want you to create a shopping list of whatever you need to rebuild. When you are ready, we will buy it.”

I started to protest, but she interrupted me. I wasn’t going to win this one. So when I returned from Portland, I began creating the shopping lists. Luckily, everything I wanted could be purchased from one of three online stores.

As I finish the wish lists today, I have begun feeling that this is gong to be the great turning point. My father once told me that all great artists have produced their greatest work after life altering events. Traveling the world. Great disaster. Love. For the last year I have ben slowly hitting every mark.

The battle through addiction
London - Paris
The terrible storm that knocked down the trees and threatened my home
The scandals at work
The fire that was able to finish off what the storm had started
Finding Katie

Come Sunday, when I leave my job… there will be nothing to stand in my way of greatness. I will be re:Born.